It is official. The ex married the woman he had the affair with. It's been a long 6-year stint, so good for them. I could not sleep the other night because that thought, six years, kept running through my brain. Not that I knew for 6 years, closer to 5 but, a long time, nonetheless. The first 2 1/2 years following his admission, we worked on our marriage. On March 16th, 2018, he moved out. It was about almost 2 years later, and we were officially divorced. One year as a single mom.
Getting back to the 6-year thought, I could not get the number out of my head. That is a long time to be in pain. Too long. I prayed all night for help, guidance, relief. After dozing for a short while, I awoke with a new attitude. I have been healing for a long time so clearly this is not shocking. It wasn't just my outlook that felt different, I felt lighter. Almost like the past was just that, the past.
I reflected on the things that I have accomplished and went through, and I am a much stronger woman because of it. I am genuinely happy with the move I made to Scottsdale. I wake up every day and see such beauty that I can't help but smile. The weather is fantastic, the shopping is superb, and the people are friendly. I have even been hiking, something the fear of bears kept me from doing in Washington, lol.
The kind of pain that results from an affair is truly devastating because of the feelings of abandonment, deception, unworthiness, confusion, and even the embarrassment of not knowing something was wrong. Navigating and healing do take time. I did 2 years of therapy which helped having someone to cry to and not judge. She gave me tools to move forward but the reality was it was all too soon. I read so many articles written by people who have gone through the same thing trying to make some sense of it. I did Bible studies that focused on feeling lonely and less than enough. I also sobbed for years while confiding my misery to the best friends in the world. I could not have made it through the dark times without their shoulders.
The lightness I felt that morning has stayed with me. The weight of years of emotional suffering has lifted. The irony is that I received an email about a new book out by Lysa Terqeurst called, Forgiving What You Can't Forget. A book on how to "discover how to move on, make peace with painful memories, and create a life that's beautiful again". I ran out and bought the book a few short hours later.
I think that forgiveness is the last piece of this puzzle. I have talked about it before. I have been working on forgiving for a long time. I am at a point where reflecting on the affair doesn't take me to my knees and crush my heart. In the past, letting go felt like I would endlessly keep falling with no end in sight. I now feel if I let go, I have wings to fly. But...the goal is to soar!
As I read the book, I hope I have the courage and empathy to achieve true forgiveness. I know it is what I need to do. I feel good about it. I want to. Embracing the future is what I need to do. I want to soar.
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