It's been a while since I posted, and life certainly has changed. It has been extremely fun and empowering being a single divorcee after several years of healing. There have been several relationships throughout the last few years. Some short term that was on and off, some based in the friend zone, and one currently.
Trust issues seem to still be an integral part of my life though. Letting yourself be totally vulnerable is no easy task. The underlying question is, is it the right person to be vulnerable with. I think when dating older in life, there are many more issues to contemplate when getting into a relationship and opening yourself up.
Enjoying time together, sexual chemistry, and holding the same values are paramount but so are family obligations, money restraints, and the dreaded old baggage. Being cheated on leaves a wound that may never fully heal. If it does, it can take a very long time. What happens when two people who were hurt get together? It can certainly be a situation where walls are put up. Perhaps even pushing a person away to spare yourself from future pain.
There are so many nuances to understand when conversing on these topics. One's lack of jealousy may be misunderstood as not caring or even aloofness. A missed call can cause anguish. The feeling of rejection can come back so quickly as a PTSD moment. Navigating how much to open up and how quickly definitely is a work in progress.
I've had discussions with friends about how you will know if someone is the right one or not. Are there telltale signs? How do you tell the difference between love, lust, and infatuation? How much do you give of yourself without having the answers? How soon is it permissible to open your heart to the potential of a beautiful giving love when you are not even sure you can trust your own feeling much less another's? I am talking about trust in terms of emotional relevance. The vulnerability of the heart, the gut and the mind.
I feel as I have been challenged to look at red flags differently if I plan to open myself up for a relationship. There are red flags that are official deal breakers, but I am learning there are some red flags can change as you learn the intricacies of someone's personality. What i thought was a red flag was a viewpoint I had not considered before.
We are human, we all make mistakes. We learn and grow from them. Second chances are a positive life skill when you can understand the human psyche, have empathy, and most importantly forgive.
I recently saw the Banksy exhibit in NYC. His piece, Girl with the Balloon invokes the question, was she letting it go or is she trying to grab it before it was gone? A new relationship can also invoke similar feelings without answers we can clearly see, we run the risk of making a wrong choice. But I don't have the answers, so I need to be able to trust myself, admit my mistakes and have grace. Reopening my heart requires me to have faith that God has put me on the right path and put my trust in Him. That's His plan, so it is also mine!
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