Traci 3.0

This has been one heck of a week. Maybe I should say 5 years. Maybe I can even up the ante to 7, just to be more accurate. Looking back to taking care of my ex while he was very, very sick for several years with Crohn's disease to the dreaded day he confessed to his affair, just as he was getting healthy. Working through the affair fallout for a few years, only to have him leave me for her anyway, 2 years ago this week. This week also brought on more anguish as my father-in-law passed away last Saturday and Monday the ex got engaged.

When he called me on my way to work on Wednesday morning to inform me of his good news, I was not expecting this at as it was the day of his father's service. I broke down in tears sobbing. I don't actually remember everything that I said, however I do remember telling him I can't believe I lived a lie. He weakly replied, I didn't. I know I told him that I still loved him, and I wanted him to be happy but.... I don't have a recollection of much else.

Here is some of the back story of the last 2 months. We have spoken and texted many times. A few times in person for about an hour each time discussing his family, our family, life. Lengthy texts about health, kids, and travel. Jokes, quips, and nicknames. No drama, no conflict, just friendly conversation, as usual.

My heart just wanted him to say he made a mistake, but my brain knew better. That didn't make it any easier to handle though. I was having a hard time moving on, I would say I was almost there but there was always that tug. The more interactions, the more sadness, and more reminders of rejection. The pain would come rushing back. I prayed it would end.

On Tuesday night on my way home from work, I literally prayed just that. I asked that he get engaged. I thought then I could move on. When I heard the news, I was heartbroken and a little angry with God. I thought my sorrow would never end. I was texting my doubts to my friend Lynn when it hit me, He answered my prayer. It was exactly what I had asked for. Wow, what did I do? I spent the rest of the day on and off in tears. I got through with the help of friends and a little Patron.

I woke up on Thursday and left for my job in a rather good mood. I worked with my favorite recent college grad, having a great time discussing trendy topics. By the time I arrived home, I was in an amazing mood. I felt complete freedom. I have felt great many times throughout this ordeal as well. I have previously thought that I was through with the healing process and ready to move on but there was always a setback or a trigger that brought me back to that sad space. I am on day four and feeling joyful. Not only do I believe that God answered my prayer, but I believe He set me free.

The last few days I have a feeling of contentment. I feel excited to move on. It is almost an odd feeling, like the love has faded. It is almost like a true understanding of how I would never want the lies, the cheating, the lack of respect back in my life. For many years my life WAS built on one lie after another. Sometimes they were outright and sometimes lies of omission. I had so desperately wanted our marriage to work that I overlooked so much. I have just accepted that the man I fell in love with has changed. I am finally ok with that.

As my friend Patti always reminds me, I had the best part of him, version 2.0. He was a kind, funny, generous, doting, loving husband as well as a caring father who was adored. Patti breaks in down into 3 categories; pre-marriage, child raising years, and post-divorce. Maybe the child rearing years weren't my best version due to the fears and stress of parenting, but I feel it in my bones, Traci 3.0 is going to be the best me yet.